The REAL reason you haven't seen a new lok
by Clement Rage
Summary: Eidos bought out? Amy henning leaving? Nope, THIS is why you haven't seen a new lok.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi. I'm doing a couple of oneshots before I start my next long fanfic, so expect some mindless drabble. Thanks._

_P.S. I don't own lok_

**The REAL reason you haven't seen a new lok game**

(outside eidos HQ, various lok characters are picketing the building. The lobby is protected by a Ward Gate, with eidos security guards manning gun turrets and setting up barbed wire. Behind them, two eidos executives look on)

Executive 1: Have they said why they're doing this?

Executive 2: Some idiot fanfic author told them how much Lara Croft got paid.

Executive 1: Do we have a name?

Executive 2: Yes, but we can't get to him (sigh). He's staying on Gaia, that's Square Enix ground, and he won't come back to Nosgoth til he knows he's safe.

Executive 1: Well, I guess I better go see what they want.

(he walks off, stopping where the assembled strikers can see him, just inside the Ward Gate)

Angry Mob: We're on strike, and we're not coming back til you pay up!

Executive 1: Alright, what do you want?

Angry Mob: We just said-

Executive 1: Okay then, why should we?

(Janos Audron steps out of the crowd)

Janos: I had my heart ripped out for you! Show some respect! That's something _Miz Croft _never did!

Executive 1: That wasn't you, that was your stunt double! And his blood went to a good cause!

Janos: ...

Executive 1: Anybody else?

Raziel: Why do I have to share my paycheck with a stunt double, I'm immortal!

Executive 1: ...I'll get back to you.

(Raziel picks up a rock and throws it, the Executive dodges. It embeds itself in an inner wall. The executive goes back to talk to Executive 2, who is inspecting the two foot deep crater)

Executive 1: I think we're gonna have to cut Lara's wages.

(both executives suddenly feel a gun barrel against the back of their heads)

Lara: You will not do that.

Executive 1: But you're already a millionaire and we've to pay for all your gear as well!

(she shoots him)

Exec 2: Congratulations Lara, President of Eidos! What are you going to do about the strike?

Lara: Hmm...This will require great delicacy and tact.

(she picks up a rocket launcher and fires it. It blows up a van parked behind the protesters)

Kain: Hey! My sandwich crew was in there!

Raziel: What? YOU have a sandwich crew? But you don't eat!

Kain: So? I am THE most important character in Legacy of KAIN! Besides, you have a make-up artist and you don't have skin.

Raziel: How dare you!

(they fight. Lara turns away)

Exec 2: Well done, President.

Unfortunate Security Guy: But...we already have a President.

Lara: Execute him for questioning me. I'll talk to the President.

(she draws her guns and heads towards the elevator)

* * *

_I know, I know, It's not remotely funny. Cool concept, bad execution. If anyone wants to do a better job on it, feel free_


	2. Chapter 2

_I have no idea where this is going..._

**Chapter 2**

( the president's office. Moebius has his feet up on the desk, watching TV.)

Moebius: I love this job. Every day they're on strike is a day not spent trying to kill me.

Secretary(over intercom): Sir, Lara Croft is here to see you.

Moebius: That's odd. I don't have a secretary-or an intercom. Oh, what the hell, send her in.

Lara: Prepare to die.

Moebius: How?

Lara: What?

Moebius: How am I supposed to prepare to die? If you gave me a few days, I could go borrow money from all my friends, take out a massive life insurance policy, walk up to Kain and punch him in the face, the works. But you intend to kill me right now, so how do I prepare to die?

Lara: Hmmm...Interesting point.

Moebius: In the meantime, fight demons from your past...

(he waves a hand, Lara's butler appears and tries to brain her with a tea tray She shoots him.)

Moebius: Your present...

(Another Lara Croft appears, draws her guns, and opens fire-on Moebius. He ducks behind his desk)

Moebius: Agh! And ages yet to come!

(Kain appears, glances at Moebius and draws his sword, grinning)

Moebius: Oh...

(A dumahim vampire, the only surviving member of Kain's sandwich crew, crashes through the window. He lands on top of one of the Laras and drains her dry before the other Lara riddles him with bullets. By this time Moebius has fled the room. Kain pursues. Lara sits down in the President's chair and puts her feet up)

Lara: Hmmm...Now, how to get them back to work...Better call in some associates...

**Meanwhile, in front of Eidos HQ...**

(Kain and Raziel are still fighting. Kain finally gets a grip on his son and throws him through the Ward Gate. Security guards scatter, except for one, who picks up Lara's discarded rocket launcher and fires. Raziel explodes.)

Kain: Hey! Nobody kills my sons but me! (pauses) And possibly each other! (telekinetically snaps guard's neck. Raziel possesses corpse and re appears. The Kain that Moebius created runs out from behind him)

Clone Kain: Where did he go?

(Raziel attacks Clone Kain. They fight. Real Kain looks up, sees Moebius watching and fires a telekinetic projectile. Moebius dodges. Akuji the Heartless appears, attacks Kain from behind and manages to pin him to the wall.)

Kain: Why...are you doing this?

Akuji: Lara said if I kill you she'll make another Akuji game. I've been out of work since I escaped Hades.

Kain: But...We've so much in common!

Akuji: Yeah? Like what?

Kain: Um...we both had our hearts ripped out by a jealous family member

Akuji: And?

Kain: Uhh...We've both been on suicidal vengeance quests?

Akuji: ...Yeah...you're right...You're right!(he releases Kain) From now on, you will always be my kindred spi-(he looks down. The Soul Reaver is nailing him to the wall. He dies and his soul is devoured.)

Kain: Now, where was I?

Moebius(from behind him):About to kill me again.

Kain: Ah.(Swings sword. Moebius teleports away)

Moebius: Missed me. (Kain swings again. Moebius teleports again) Oooh, so close.(bullet sparks off ground next to Moe's foot. He teleports and this time does not reappear.)

**Balcony, Eidos Building**

Lara: Missed. How're we doing with contacting allies?

Exec: Well, apart from the late Akuji, nobody is stupid enough to come.

Lara: Hmph. What's Kain doing now that Moebius is gone?

Exec: Umm...looking at this balcony. He is not happy you scared away Moebi-look out!(they both get back inside the building just as Kain Jumps onto the balcony. The Exec activates the ward Gate between the balcony and the inside and they run further inside.

Kain: Hahaha...you think that toy can stop me getting anywhere I want to go?

**Lobby, Eidos Building**

(Raziel and Clone Kain are still beating each other to bloody pulps, using all the flaming torches, steam jets, meat grinders, and all the other stuff that inexplicably seems to appear whenever Raziel needs to kill a powerful enemy. Raziel gets a grip on Kain and holds him up to the Ward Gate, which burns him)

Clone Kain: You almost had me, Raziel. (Raziel gets telekinetically thrown across the ruined lobby. He hits and smashes the glyph battery sealing off the lobby from the protesters outside. They stampede in) But this is not where, or how, it ends-

(Raziel casts the Fire Glyph. Clone Kain gets burned to ash.)

Raziel(satisfied): Yes it is.

**Roof, Eidos Building**

Moebius: Hahaha...with the chaos resulting from the strike, Eidos will need to double my master's wages so he will re-establish the Wheel of Fate and force the cast back to work. And according to our contract, I get 20 percent!

Elder God: Assuming you still live. You are no longer required, my loyal servant, and your existence costs me money. Eidos no longer need you, so now you can be safely exterminated.

(About twenty tentacles appear. Moebius is unfazed)

Moebius: Well, if I were you, I'd be more worried about what's happening downstairs. If Lara kills Kain, then there is no legacy of Kain, and Eidos will no longer need YOU! I can fall back on foreseeing the future for the inhabitants of Nosgoth, which gets a decent wage anyway. But you need Eidos to settle your gambling debts with Baron Samedi.

Elder god: Oh –bleep!-

(tentacles vanish. Moebius climbs into helicopter and flies away)

Moebius: Usurp me, will you? So long, Lara. Mwahahaha!

- - - - - - - - - -

_Hope you liked it. Please review._


	3. Chapter 3

_Please note that the opinions expressed below are the personal opinions of the speaker and are not necessarily the opinions of Fanfiction or Clement Rage._

**Chapter 3**

Kain: Those things didn't stop me in BO2, they're not about to now! (telekinetically destroys Glyph battery. Ward Gate vanishes. Kain walks on through the eidos building. A sarafan knight steps out in front of him and kills an eidos security guard. He turns, sees Kain, and relaxes.)

Knight: Moebius called. He said to tell you Lara'll be heading for the Warp Gate on the fifteenth floor.

Kain: Thanks. (kills Knight, walks on.)

Lara: Hey, Kain. (he looks up, she opens fire from her gun turret. He Mists, and the bullets go through him. A telekinetic projectile knocks Lara off her gun turret, and she runs. Kain follows her down a corridor and into a room. She dives through the Warp Gate)

Kain: Hmm... It's obviously a trap. Oh, what the hell... (He follows)

**The Pillars**

(The Pillar Guardians are standing around a cauldron of water, watching the events at the Eidos building)

Moebius: Dammit! I was sure he wouldn't trust me!(hands Ariel a coin)

Ariel(grins): Never bet against the house, my boy.

Voice from outside: Moebius! Moebius!

Moebius: Go away! No divinations after 9pm. Malek! MALEK!

(Malek doesn't appear)

Mortanius: ...I'll talk to them. (dons death mask, steps outside. Screams, running feet)

Moebius: Has anyone seen Malek?

**Lara's house-Garden.**

(The house is a warzone. Assorted cannon fodder from both game series are attacking each other. Suddenly an energy wave flattens the hedge maze, and Malek steps out.)

Malek: Hey, I found a shortcut through your hedge maze!(beheads two raptors with his spear. A Melchahim comes running past, pursued by Lara's butler, who cuts it down with a machine gun. Several more monsters from both games appear, but after a while, only Malek and the butler are still standing. They lock stares. Eyes narrow. Then they both reach for weapons...)

**Lara's House-Interior**

(Kain walks into Lara's swimming pool. She is standing on the diving board)

Kain: Water won't kill me, girl.

Lara: It'll help. But that doesn't matter. Eidos won't let you kill me, Kain, and you know it. I'm a much bigger draw than you.

Kain: We shall see. (he crouches. she draws her guns. He Jumps. She fires three times, then dives off the board just as he lands. The board explodes. Kain is knocked through the wall, but re-enters the room and picks Lara up telekinetically)

Kain: Hah. Did you really think it'd be that easy?

Lara: Are you familiar with the dagger of Xian, Kain?

Kain: No. I only play decent video games.

**(Unseen watchers: Oooooohhhh, that's uncalled for!)**

Lara: Well, if there's one thing I've learned through my adventures, it's never to explain things to your opponent. (she stabs herself)

Kain: Well, if there's one thing **I've** learned from my adventures, it's that if something looks too good to be true, it usually is. So any second now...

(She morphs into a dragon.)

Kain: Yup.

(the dragon dives into the pool. The tsunami knocks Kain off his feet. The dragon advances on his now limp form.)

Elder God: I don't think so, Ms. Croft! (the dragon is wrapped in tentacles. Kain gets up and impales it on the Reaver. It shrinks back to Lara's human form. Kain walks away.)

Elder God: So now I've saved your life, you can't try to kill me again, huh?

Kain: Oh, I don't know about that...

**Later...**

Kain(on phone): So, Mr President, now that Lara's dead, I guess you have to make a new lok, right? And since we're on strike, you'll have to raise our wages.

Executive-formerly Exec 2, but due to Lara and Exec1's demise, now President: Wrong! (hangs up)

Underling: But...now one of our biggest draws is dead! What're we gonna do?

President: Just use old footage and do a remake of the original. Nobody'll notice.

* * *

_I've only played the early TR games, so excuse any glaring inaccuracies.

* * *

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End file.
